Every day we’re bombarded with messages about how to be healthier, how to eat right, how to finally get the “dream body” we’ve been searching for. It’s all around us, and so much so, that it often becomes something that we barely notice. Our subconscious mind certainly picks up on it, but we don’t stop and really think about what the world is telling us. Or at least I didn’t.

For me, becoming “healthy” wasn’t initially something I was after for aesthetic reasons. As I mentioned in my Introductory Post, I started eating a healthier diet and exercising in order to remedy the digestive issues which had bothered me for years. I wanted to eat better to feel better. I eliminate fried foods, processed snacks, and then dairy, as well. There was even a two week stint where I tried to go gluten-free. As my digestive issues improved, but still lingered, I was always hoping to find that one trigger that I could remove and suddenly be free from the constipation, bloat, and stomach pain. Being active made me feel good and helped with my digestion, so I began to try new fitness classes and started training for races.

Over time, I became more and more obsessed with eating this perfectly clean diet and working out every single day of the week. It was my priority. If I strayed from it, I’d beat myself up about the missed workout or the cookie that I shouldn’t have eaten. As much as I wish I could sit here and say that the quest for my “dream body,” was never part of the picture, it began to manifest itself. I can’t pinpoint exactly when this began to take shape. Perhaps it was always there, below the surface, but I soon became so fixated on sticking to this regime of “health” that I began ignoring what my body was telling me.

In the fall of 2016, I ran my first full marathon. It was the most incredible feeling in the world to cross that finish line and I felt on top of the world. In the months leading up to the race, I followed a strict training plan and began working with a macro coach. She provided me with weekly numbers to hit for my overall caloric intake and the breakdown of macronutrient percentages. I thought that this was the best thing that I could be doing for my body, to be making sure that I was getting exactly the right number of carbs, fat, and protein to support my training. After all, my coach was a marathoner herself, so I felt she must know best. I went into every day with my food prepped, measured, and entered into My Fitness Pal. If I was still hungry at the end of the day, I’d try to drink tea to fill my belly, or would shamefully allow myself to have a handful of extra cereal. One day a week I would allow myself to eat whatever I wanted and not worry about tracking my intake. This was the same day of my weekly long run, so I was confident that my body needed whatever extra calories I was giving it. I wasn’t listening to my body’s hunger cues. In fact, I was deliberately ignoring them in order to hit my numbers.

In the thick of it, I didn’t see what I was doing. Reaching these predetermined macro numbers was my goal, and if I hit them, I felt like I had succeeded. I didn’t realize how disordered my eating had become and how I was setting myself up for weekly binges. Even if someone had told me, I wouldn’t have believed it. I needed a serious wake-up call, and I got it.

After my marathon, I decided to go off of the birth control pills I had taken for years. Alan and I were finally ready to start a family. I naively thought it would happen in no time. My OBGYN told me that it would probably take three months to regain my cycle. Three months came and went in a flash and there was no sign of my period. My doctor said to wait a little longer. I waited. Nothing. We then went through a number of different attempts to use synthetic hormones to mimic the typical cycle and jump start my period. My body made no response to them. I knew something wasn't right, and so did my doctor, but she seemed stumped. I spent hours searching online for potential reasons for losing your period. Eventually, I stumbled upon the diagnosis of Hypothalamic Amenorrhea (HA), a condition in which the signals that are supposed to be sent out by the brain's hormonal control center are suppressed so that no egg grows, no ovulation occurs, and there is no need for a period. The main factors associated with acquiring HA are restrictive eating habits, over-exercise, weight loss, and stress. Ding, ding, ding. The more I read, the more I was convinced this was what was causing my missing period. Essentially, while I thought I was the healthiest I had ever been, my body was shutting down to protect me from reproducing under unsafe conditions. "Healthy" wasn't look so healthy anymore. It was time to learn how to heal my body and my mind. More on how I turned things around coming soon!